It’s October! That means it’s also time for our traditional Halloween series! This year, I was inspired by the many comments I received throughout the year from concerned readers:
Well, it’s not great to say that oxalids, Jerusalem artichokes, pawpaws, and other plants are edible, Audrey. You have to be careful, they’re full of toxins!
I realized that the word “toxin” was SCARY! So, that’s where my inspiration comes from: I’m going to talk to you about plants that we grow, eat, and that do indeed contain dangerous toxins. So, I’ll hand you over to our special Halloween narrator: a disturbing clown with a slightly dark sense of humor, but with entirely commendable intentions…
Happy reading!
Come closer, come closer, my dear gardeners! I have something VERY interesting to tell you… Something you probably don’t know about the pretty little green plants you grow so lovingly in your vegetable garden…
But first, let me introduce myself: I am the clown Dreadbak Gardnoir, at your service!
You may not be aware of it, but you are growing TOXIC plants in your garden and unknowingly consuming them! Deadly toxins, my friends! And I have made it my mission this October to warn you about these seemingly innocent plants…
Take spinach, for example. Nothing could be more commonplace, right? Well, NO! It contains a poison that can destroy your kidneys, steal your minerals, and even stop your heart… And that’s no joke, Krrrh-hihi-HIK!
Spinach, Not So Innocent…
Ah, those beautiful green spinach leaves… So tender, so healthy! Popeye gets strong by eating them, and they’re the ingredient of choice for green smoothies: nothing could be more commonplace, right? But do you know what’s really hidden in those seemingly harmless leaves?
OXALIC ACID, my fellow gardeners! A crystalline, colorless poison that can be bought in powder form to clean rust and bathrooms, bleach, or even set dyes on wool. Drink up your smoothie, it’ll clean you out just right! Krrrh-hihi-HIK!
Oh! And oxalic acid isn’t just found in your spinach, oh no! This sneaky molecule hides everywhere: in the rhubarb in your garden, in those pretty little heart-shaped oxalis leaves that you sometimes nibble on while out walking, in the sorrel you add to your salads! Mother Nature has planted little traps everywhere, my friends!
How Does This Plant Killer Destroy You From Within?
When you consume it, this little molecule infiltrates your body and then… OH NO! It wreaks havoc! As soon as you swallow your spinach, oxalic acid pounces on the calcium in your blood like a hungry predator. It uses it to form calcium oxalate crystals—imagine tiny microscopic shards of glass floating around in your veins!
These crystals will lodge EVERYWHERE: in your tissues, your organs, your cells… And then, it’s carnage! Your kidneys? They get clogged! Your minerals? Stolen! Your calcium? Gone!
The symptoms? They’re terrifying: excruciating abdominal pain, uncontrollable vomiting, muscle cramps, and worst of all… the cessation of urine production! Your body can no longer eliminate waste, and that means… poisoning. Total. Deadly. And above all, painful.
I’m just saying, but… we never knew what Popeye died of, Krrrh-hihi-HIK!
While you digest this terrifying information, let me perform a little juggling act with… spinach! It’s a well-practiced act! Watch them twirl through the air, these little green poisoners! Pam palapam pampam!
Thank you, thank you for your applause Krrrh-hihi-HIK! I know, I juggle my toxic vegetables divinely well! Imagine if I dropped one! It could well target you! You don’t mess around with toxins!
But let’s get back to it..
Chilling Numbers
Want to know what dose could kill you? Because that’s the question, isn’t it? You’ve all eaten spinach before, and yet you’re reading this! Well, you should know that just a few dozen grams of pure oxalic acid is enough to cause fatal poisoning…
And guess what? Your beloved spinach is FULL OF IT! More than one gram of poison per 100-gram serving! Every bite of your “healthy” salad is bringing you dangerously close to the toxic threshold! It’s ironic, isn’t it?
And this isn’t fiction, my friends! I have real cases to tell you about! Take Liam Hemsworth—you know, the handsome actor from The Hunger Games? He ended up in the hospital with kidney stones after drinking spinach smoothies for years! Emergency surgery, my friends! To think we could have lost such a handsome young man… We can never have too many handsome men, so we have to take care of them: beware of spinach, sexy, muscular Hollywood stars!
There’s also the case of this poor 65-year-old woman who went on a green juice “detox diet.” Just ten days! Ten short days of spinach, and boom! End-stage renal failure. Dialysis for life.
The only real detox cure that works, by the way, is water and exercise. Take it from Dreadbak Gardnoir, you lazy bums!
Final Revelation
BUT… wait, wait! I have to confess something funny to you, my dear audience! I am a clown, after all, and I love good jokes Krrrh-hihi-HIK!
So here’s my little revelation…
The cases I told you about? Liam Hemsworth, that lady, they were slow poisoning, excessive consumption over several days or months. But to kill you INSTANTLY, in one go, with spinach… Krrrh-hihi-HIK!
You’d have to eat MORE THAN FOUR KILOS OF RAW SPINACH IN A SINGLE MEAL!
Can you imagine? Four kilos! Just thinking about it makes my jaw ache… Krrrh-hihi-HIK!
To experience mild symptoms, you would still have to eat 300 grams of raw spinach in one sitting—three times what the average person eats in a week! Unless your harvest is spectacular and you are particularly fond of raw greens, I doubt you will ever get there. Remember to freeze your surplus, my greedy little gardeners!
The Clown’s Epilogue
See how funny it is? Everything I told you about oxalic acid is perfectly true. The toxic mechanisms, the crystals that tear your tissues, the cases of poisoning… All of that is true.
But those few leaves in your salad? Your occasional smoothie? Pfff! You’re light years away from danger! Of course, some people may be more sensitive than others, so listen to your body, my little porcelain dolls!
The next time someone online scares you with this toxin, well, just think of Dreadbak Gardnoir!
See you soon for more revelations! Because I still have SO MANY other vegetables to show you in their true light Krrrh-hihi-HIK!
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